i always give more than i get.

surprise me, and turn that around.

i am on such a high right now.

so many good feelings for the future. tomorrow, next week, and beyond!

well, friends. what have we learned?

that like attracts like? that opposites attract?

that the future can be predicted? that it can be altered?

i've never been one to not get my way.

i think it was an experience. a forced look in the mirror, definitely. i'd be lying if i didn't say i felt sick right now. i'm sure he does too.

but i did it. pure and simple. i think i needed it. a reminder...

do they have an olympic record for most let downs? i'd like to compete.

Me: mom put things into perspective last night when she said all the guys i'm interested in already have girlfriends. and she's right. it's not that no one interests me, they're just in relationships

Dan: it's your infinite striving to better yourself
you target what you can't have
maybe?

Me: well. if i see a great quality in someone else that i know i should have or work on, i see that as being attainable...so i'm not sure if that's why, as those people are unattainable
i mean, it could be a jealousy of their happiness ha

Dan: ironic to be jealous of something you can have with someone else
you want it, yet you don’t

Elyse: exactly
who wants the good AND the bad? just gimmie the good haha

Dan: i hear you on that one

Elyse: i feel like i'm at a pretty awesome place in my life right now though. i do think i could give a relationship the attention and nurturing that it deserves, whereas in the past, i really couldn't do that
i was trying to figure my life out, and i finally feel stable

Dan: yeah
i sucked when we dated, i won't lie
i wouldn't drive to go see you
want to know why?

Me: because i intimidated you?

Dan: no

Me: that seems to be the answer to everything with me and guys haha

Dan: i was literally scared to drive on the parkway
not even kidding
that was the one and only reason

Me: haha it wasn't a big deal. i didn't mind driving down. and i think we dated for a whopping 2 weeks or something. after 6 months? yeah i'd probably say dan, meet parkway.

Dan: hahahaha

Me: funny story though
every year at ramapo, they would have a psychic night. i don't know where they found these people, but they were ridiculously good. like i wouldn't say anything about myself or my life, and they would tell me exactly what was going on.

Dan: weird

Me: every year, it was someone different and they'd ask what i wanted to know. i would always bring up my lack of love life, of course, and every year, every person said "it's not time for you" and i was like wtf when will it be? and they were just like not now. haha it was so frustrating but true

Dan: hahah

Me: what i can say though, on a positive note, is that i did meet people i cared about in college. and in spending time with them, i learned what i want/need and what i am capable of giving. i know it will help in the future. i saw the good and bad in people, and myself.

maybe i just miss how it felt.

he made me nervous. people rarely do that anymore.

i think it was the feeling of being wanted that made something as simple as driving around with him exhilarating. not wanted in a sexual sense. though, there was that too...just wanted as company. as a friend. someone to trust.

it's so strange to think back and remember how i felt. because in a way, it doesn't seem real, yet i can see us. late nights and stupid fights. every time we said goodbye or didn't bother to, knowing it would be a year before one of us contacted the other again. every time we reunited after those long months and knew that nothing had changed. it sounds silly, but i'm almost positive all of those days were warm and sunny.

it's always the same. i do really well for a while, and he isn't even a thought in the back of my mind. then i hear one of his songs being played in a williamsburg consignment shop. then i remember something funny we did. then he's in one of my dreams. and i start wishing again.

i wish i said yes the first time. i wish he said yes the second time. i wish the third time was that day, over and over.

it's almost been a year. and i'm almost positive i won't ever hear from him again.

This note is inspired by a personal attack I received this morning from someone who has never met me. I also realize that of the 2700+ friends I have on here, only a small percentage know me personally.

My name is Elyse Jankowski. I was born on April 1, 1986 to the best teenage mother I could ask for. My parents were never married and split up when I was young. As an only child, I grew up with my grandmother and my mother, who worked 2 jobs and went to school. I occasionally visited my father, a hard-working plumber by trade. I was very much a loner, quiet in school and diligent with my studies.

In middle school, I was incessantly teased, yet managed to find a group of friends that I loved. Around that time, I began fostering a great relationship with my father, who married my step-mother and adopted my step-brother. They moved to Florida for a few years, and I flew down several times to see them.

I briefly attended Communications High School before returning to Middletown North, where I was heavily involved in extracurricular activities. I was a member of the National Honor Society, founder of the short-lived Animal Rights Club, Editor of Viewpoint literary magazine, and Editorial Editor of The Lion’s Roar newspaper. I was an honors student at the top of my class, graduating #11 out of 420.

In high school, I started to discover the local music scene. Though I had seen Midtown and Fenix TX at Club Bene in 7th grade, I cite my first real “show” as a local gig at M&M Hall during my sophomore year. I wanted to become more involved in the exceptional music community that was thriving around me, so during the summer before junior year, I started an independent zine called Stars and Scars. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing but quickly cranked out the first issue with a few band interviews, feature pieces, and show and CD reviews.

What started as a simple project to keep me busy quite literally became my life. Interviews began pouring in, and soon, I was sitting face to face with my favorite bands, many of whom were poised for stardom. Stars and Scars gained recognition from Spin and Rolling Stone, local advertisers and music stores nationwide, not to mention bands and record labels. I truly felt like I was doing something good for my community and for myself. I could not be the shy girl anymore. I needed to go to shows. I needed to talk to people. Much of my character was developed during the ages of 16-19. Stars and Scars was in print for 3 years, before converting to the webzine it is today.

I will never forget crying when I received word that I was awarded a full Presidential Scholarship to my first choice school, Ramapo College of NJ. I selected Music Industry as a major. Freshman year was a bit awkward, as it should be, but it set a great foundation for me. I was hired at the Women’s Center, where I then worked for the next 3 years. I was also appointed President of PUNK Club (later RamaShows), the concert-organizing club on campus that nearly ceased to exist. I was given the opportunity to single-handedly revive a community, and it was anything but easy. I learned how to run shows and rounded up club members. Before I graduated, I organized over 20 concerts on campus, in venues with capacities of 75, 400 and 1200, and ultimately discovered what I want to do in life.

I interned at Max Cruise Entertainment, Eyeball Records and fuse tv. I graduated summa cum laude a semester early and dove right into work at Clear Channel Online Music & Radio, at which point my life became an ironic contradiction. I was working for one of the most despised companies in music, but doing so in an attempt to bring more local artists into the mix. My efforts proved futile, and I left after 6 months.

I was in limbo for a little while, working at a beach store and psychiatrist’s office for a few months. My dad had moved back home, and I couldn’t be happier. I hadn’t lost my love for music. In fact, I registered Stars and Scars as an LLC, bought liability insurance, and started running shows in Middletown. I also organized a 200-person protest when G106.3 FM shut down, which was the only big alternative station around that actually supported local artists. In addition, I started a band, Fredrick Dedrick, with my best friends.

I now continue to run Stars and Scars and work at the National Women’s Health Resource Center, a fantastic nonprofit in Red Bank. I never thought I’d find another job like Ramapo’s Women’s Center, and it is extremely gratifying to know that I help and empower people daily. I do not drink or smoke. I love to ride my bike. I have been a vegetarian for 7 years. My goal is to someday open a music venue/hangout where anyone can come enjoy local/national music, read books, play games, grab coffee and meet mentors. I am very proud of what I’ve accomplished and excited to aim higher despite the constant resistance I face from those with misconceptions of my character and intentions.

That is just a bit of my story so far and if you’re interested, I encourage you to get to know me better. I define myself by the things I have done, but there is much more below the surface than you probably realize.

after moaning and groaning about having to drive up to bridgewater tonight and enduring stares because i was apparently severely underdressed, i am very happy that i attended the healthcare businesswomen's association event - "how to be successful in a world of change: insights from executive women in healthcare"

now, i've only been working at the national women's health resource center for three months. though my time there has exposed me to a lot of things, i'm not exactly hip to healthcare lingo or very familiar with the major players. the panelist's introductions went a bit over my head. however, it was the q&a session that really stood out.

these women were incredible. i'd guess their ages to be between 35-50. and in their careers they managed to rise to the top completely on their own. if they weren't being challenged enough at a job, they switched. if they became bored with where they lived, they moved. and yet continued to build business relationships and maintain their character. it seemed as though their career transitions had been seamless.

they spoke of the opposition strong women face and how they deal with it. that balance is not just possible in life, it's entirely necessary. every word they spoke was inspirational, especially being received through the ears of a fellow strong woman who has always faced adversity in her career.

tonight, i realized that i am restless. not unhappy, just restless. all of my life, i've made things happen for myself. i wanted to start a zine, so i did it. i wanted three internships, so i went out and got them. i constantly keep my eyes open for opportunities, but mostly, i have tried to create them.

since i left college, i haven't really done that. i stumbled upon my current job on craigslist, and i am very blessed to have it, but there are still pieces missing. i want more of a connection to music. i'll say it right now, stars and scars is not enough. and i fear i may not be able to take my company to the next level. i may need to branch out and try something else...

i want a dream job. and i see no reason why i can't have that. it must connect to music, and it must in some way help people. i'm on the cusp of doing both right now, and i think i just discovered a way to merge the two, at least for a short while.

basically, i've been doing too much waiting and not enough doing.

i'm restless.

restless minds and restless bodies thrust us into darkness. but restless hearts light the way.

11/6/05

i don't know what it is, really. what is so wrong with me that i can't walk into a room and just be ok. i have to frantically search for a familiar face. someone to give me the acknowledgement that i do, in fact, have friends and people who like talking to me. i forget this often.

i laugh at myself for feeling old at shows, yet acting like i am the youngest person there.

i would essentially like to see myself as the human being that i am, capable of much more than what my self-doubt overshadows.

i hope to one day feel accomplished enough to say that i am ready.

ready for a stable relationship. ready to stop putting myself down. ready to keep friendships growing. ready for the world.

until then, i will continue to push myself. and work on my faults.

while watching game show network in my underwear.

Dan: i guess people that i become close with know the other side of me. yeah i wasn't at that point with you.
that side comes out great with bubbly, goofy, affectionate, down to earth, personalities

Me: wow. burn

Dan: you're all the above
i think its your confidence/strength though
that pushes me inside myself

Me: the past few years have been frustrating, because what you're telling me is what a lot of people have told me. that my strength ends up being a weakness...that it scares/pushes guys away. and i just think that's such bullshit. not saying what you feel is bullshit, but you know what i mean. i will never change who i am for anyone...tried that once.
but what do i do in the meantime, you know? keep approaching guys to keep getting rejected? or just sit back and say forget it, like i have been more recently. putting myself out there and getting hurt isn't worth it to me anymore

Dan: well for me though.. it isn't a quality i would 'reject' its just a quality that would take me longer to get used to i guess.

Me: i think that's the situation with most guys. they just aren't willing to get to know me

Dan: what you have isn't a weakness
well. girls aren't willing to get to know me.
just because.. it takes a long time for me to open up to people
everyone thinks i'm a shy guy
and that isn't the case

Me: so how shitty is everyone. if someone doesn't accept us right away for who we are, that's it, and they move on. that's ridiculous

Dan: people that look to get to me, will get to know me. people that engage in depthless conversations with me, will probably never figure me out.
and that's the problem i have with basic relationships.
i think anyway

Me: well yeah. but when i'm interested in someone, i try to engage in conversation, even if it seems depthless, just to try and feel out if they'd even be interested in talking to me about more important things

(insert talk about other things)

Me: it's like you didn't just get your life back, you got yourself back

Dan: yeah, i don't think i'm completely there yet though.
i need to be affectionate with a girl who gives me butterflies to have that again
i think anyway
i haven't met her yet

Me: i don't even know what that feels like anymore. and you know what, it's been a really tough week. from feeling isolated, to losing my account, to being nervous about the show...it all came to a head last night when i saw my best friend with her new boyfriend. i walked in on them in the back room. then i saw nate with his new girlfriend...and i realized holy crap. my entire band and all of my best friends have partners now...i'm the only single one left
that's the point when you start wondering what's wrong with you

Dan: yeah, i feel like now that we're getting older. more people are trying to settle down.

Me: and i think that's great, i really do

Dan: i feel like everything is going through a funnel.. the further we go, the less there is.. as far as relationship opportunities go anyway
or maybe i'm just not getting out enough
::shrugs::

Me: i feel the same way
when i go out, i feel like i encounter more people that are just looking to have fun and not get serious...so where are all the serious ones hiding? haha they must be like us

Dan: hahaha yeah

Me: to be quite candid, sex is the last thing i need/want right now

Dan: are you dating?

Me: i wish

Dan: ...

Me: no one asks me out. i don't ask anyone out. i just kind of...exist. in my own little world

Dan: weirdo

Me: i don't really know how or why. that's just how it's been. since i graduated

Dan: too busy?

Me: not really. i mean, i always keep myself busy, but not busy to the point that i can't hang out
Me: i just don't have great opportunities to meet people
Me: i mean, if i go out at all, it's either to go for a walk or ride by myself or to a show...most likely one of my shows. and the audience is all high schoolers. some of the band guys are older...but they only see me as the promoter, not a potential date
Me: which is ironic, because i've received several marriage proposals at my shows, but they never follow up haha

Dan: lol.

Me: it's also tough because the kind of guy i'm attracted to (musician) i'm always around. i've become immune to their charms and unimpressed by their egos. i do unfortunately stereotype sometimes, but it's too easy. i crave more. much more. than what guys my age are probably willing to give

Dan: what do you crave?

Me: a true connection, basically. romance. friendship. simplicity with a hint of extravagance haha

Dan: sounds nice

Me: sounds impossible haha

Dan: why? i don't think so.

Me: i've always searched for perfection. in myself and in others.